Correctional Adventure

Well kids, it has been a while since my last post. Now before you get
indignant and ponder forming a mob to hunt me down, or at the very
least chase me to a windmill by exploiting my general dislike of fire
and pitchforks (just like Frankenstein’s monster). Let me enlighten
you simpletons of the circumstances that caused my absence.

As you fondly remember (you people better be fond of my work) I had a
few “fiascos” during my “holiday” “shopping” “experience”. (I like
using quotes, they make me feel pretty) Namely ones involving assault
and battery toward minimum wage teenage work drones. Now while I did
flee all 5 scenes quite quickly, (yes, 5) I apparently left an
OVERWHELMING amount of evidence as to my identity and whereabouts,
primarily a business card that had my name, picture, address, phone
number, link to this very website, and a list of my favorite movies.
(Cat from Outerspace, Disney classic) My admitting to the deeds on
the website didn’t really help. Now while I’m generally very cunning
at evading the police, even when they are attempting to handcuff me,
you can imagine my shock when Gary Sinese himself showed up with a
SWAT team to arrest me. (He is the man, suck it William Peterson)

Having dealt with Ol’ Johnny Law before, processing me took quite a
while and ending up having the FBI and NSA show up to “discuss” things
with me. After surrendering a few bits of information and agreeing to
be a part of something called “Manchurian Project Alpha”, I was only
required to spend a few months at the county jail.

Having gone to the family friendly school known as Field Kindley High
in Kansas, county jail was an amazingly tame place. I taunt a few
first timers how to make a prison shiv out of a carrot, gave a few
prison tats, and found (and subsequently lost) Jesus. (A cellmate
smuggled in a Jesus action figure) But alas the time flew by and it
was time for me to be released and to buy a few copies of Catcher in
the Rye.

Life has pretty much gotten back to normal…aside from having been “let
go” from Target due to 6 months of not showing up to work. I’m also
now required by federal mandate to wear a tracking harness.
(apparently the standard ankleband wasn’t enough, I got GPS flak
jacket) My house was burnt to the ground, methinks it was by a
teenage cashier I met several months back (apparently she wants
another scissor kick to her face). So for now I’m living with my
girlfriend on a houseboat that we got from a good friend I met in jail
who I will simply refer to as “Nighthawk”.

So now here I am once again writing via stolen WiFi. I know you
people have missed me and are eager to send me various amounts of
money so that I can finally purchase a sweet ass puma costume. So
start donating you kings and queens of sending me money.

P.S.
Nighthawk, the time is almost upon us, the highway to the danger zone
approaches.

Resolutionary Mind

Well all you faithful followers (the bribed ones don't count, you're only faithful to cash) we are now in the future. The year 2009 is now upon us and the future is quasi bright. (No more Dubya!) Aside from my normal new years tradition of altering handicapped signs to make them look like drag racer parking spaces, I find it humbling to set some resolutions each year. Now before you suffer a brain aneurysm at the thought of be becoming even more humble than I already am. (you cant spell humble without me) Fear not, I'm still as overpoweringly awesome as I always am. (just more Pius)

Being humble is something I do multiple times every year. At new years I make resolutions, during lent I give something important up (like sleep and or religion), for St. Patrick's day I give up hope in society. I also give up negative emotions each week by screaming at boxes of baby bunnies (I call them Bittens) until I've gone hoarse. I also read Curious George, he is one calming little monkey.

So for this new year I have decided to better myself by resolving to do a few things. I feel that they are each noble and endearing goals, and it is my wish NAY! my dream that it inspires others to better themselves as well. So without further delay (unless I have to pee) I present to you, my new years resolutions.

1. Give up my cocaine addiction. Granted I don't actually have a cocaine addiction, nor have I ever used cocaine, but I feel that if I start using it and give it up before I ever actually have any enter my system, I can be a light of hope for all others who fight addictions. I'm a class bastard like that.
2. Reduce the amount of devastating scissor kicks delivered to hapless teenage retail workers. After several dozen recent assault and battery charges (all cleared up after further threats of violence) I have decided that maybe I should tone down my habit of attacking retail people who have the gal to ask me if I need help finding anything. (I have my pal TomTom for that) It's not their fault they don't know not to enrage me in such a manner, it's bad parenting.
3. Purchase more helium balloons. There's nothing more entertaining to me than talking after inhaling helium (except maybe having the cats meow after breathing some) So I will share the joy and just randomly pass out balloons for that purpose alone.
4. Blink more. Should be pretty self explanatory, my eyes get kinda dry when I don't.
5. Introduce more short people to the work of Randy Newman. (Short people got..no reason...)

And there you people go, the things I have resolved to do this year. I will no make my way to the nearest Wal Mart Supercenter to purchase cocaine from some underpaid retail worker.