Resolutionary Mind

Well all you faithful followers (the bribed ones don't count, you're only faithful to cash) we are now in the future. The year 2009 is now upon us and the future is quasi bright. (No more Dubya!) Aside from my normal new years tradition of altering handicapped signs to make them look like drag racer parking spaces, I find it humbling to set some resolutions each year. Now before you suffer a brain aneurysm at the thought of be becoming even more humble than I already am. (you cant spell humble without me) Fear not, I'm still as overpoweringly awesome as I always am. (just more Pius)

Being humble is something I do multiple times every year. At new years I make resolutions, during lent I give something important up (like sleep and or religion), for St. Patrick's day I give up hope in society. I also give up negative emotions each week by screaming at boxes of baby bunnies (I call them Bittens) until I've gone hoarse. I also read Curious George, he is one calming little monkey.

So for this new year I have decided to better myself by resolving to do a few things. I feel that they are each noble and endearing goals, and it is my wish NAY! my dream that it inspires others to better themselves as well. So without further delay (unless I have to pee) I present to you, my new years resolutions.

1. Give up my cocaine addiction. Granted I don't actually have a cocaine addiction, nor have I ever used cocaine, but I feel that if I start using it and give it up before I ever actually have any enter my system, I can be a light of hope for all others who fight addictions. I'm a class bastard like that.
2. Reduce the amount of devastating scissor kicks delivered to hapless teenage retail workers. After several dozen recent assault and battery charges (all cleared up after further threats of violence) I have decided that maybe I should tone down my habit of attacking retail people who have the gal to ask me if I need help finding anything. (I have my pal TomTom for that) It's not their fault they don't know not to enrage me in such a manner, it's bad parenting.
3. Purchase more helium balloons. There's nothing more entertaining to me than talking after inhaling helium (except maybe having the cats meow after breathing some) So I will share the joy and just randomly pass out balloons for that purpose alone.
4. Blink more. Should be pretty self explanatory, my eyes get kinda dry when I don't.
5. Introduce more short people to the work of Randy Newman. (Short people got..no reason...)

And there you people go, the things I have resolved to do this year. I will no make my way to the nearest Wal Mart Supercenter to purchase cocaine from some underpaid retail worker.