Happy holidays meat vessels, I’ve not really done any demographic surveys so I don’t really know what my target audience is. So until I do, I shall refer to you people as meat vessels. If you find that offensive, than you’ve got more problems than you are willing to admit and should probably seek medical help. Your self esteem issues aside, I thought that since the holidays are fast approaching (my birthday being the most jubilant of them all, Kwanza being a close second) that I’d give my input on the first holiday in this festive season, Thanksgiving. And no, I don’t like Halloween so I don’t recognize it as the start of the holiday season.
To start, lets go on a magical trip through time to the first thanksgiving. Back when people killed entire civilizations with blankets and didn’t have a need for those pesky guns. (Hey gun enthusiasts, you don’t see blanket carriers bitching about the price of quilting fabric) Those pilgrims really knew how to throw a party, they’d get rid of their normal attire of all black and belt buckles all over their bodies for….all black and belt buckles all over their bodies…..they were the first Goths really, all “I’m religiously oppressed! I’m gonna go over yonder and burn people cause they may be different.” Except that Goths don’t burn people. Anywho, our belt buckled friends invited the savage Injuns (that’s what they said back then, plus I’m part Cherokee, I can say that) and ate such things as turkey and pumpkin pie, and all the other stereotypical Thanksgiving day food items, followed of course by the Ye Olde Macy’s Parade, temporarily forgetting how they intended to forcibly take over the lands and brutalize the native Americans for a day.
Lets jump forward to now. Gone are the days of belt buckles on our hats, although it could come back into fashion, ya never know. And with the exceptions of food and the Macy’s Parade, no longer do we commit blanket warfare (woo 2nd amendment!) Instead we force small children to cover their hands in paint and make “turkey” pictures, and then recite about how we are thankful for something. Personally if I’m thankful for something, I don’t wait for one day a year to say “hey, I’m thankful!” Call me a rebel, I just do that. We have also chosen a really crappy mascot for this holiday. Compared to the other holidays, Thanksgiving gets the shaft. I mean think about it, Christmas gets Santa, Easter gets a giant bunny, St. Patrick’s day gets a drunk Irish midget, and 4th of July gets explosives (valentines day gives you a case of herpes) What does thanksgiving get? A creepy ass bird. And they are anything but pleasant creatures. I sat down with an expert on turkeys, my sister Jacquelyn Eighmy (she has a Denny’s placemat that says she’s an Avian Biologist) and she can attest that turkeys not only plot against us, but create huge balls of poop. Her words not mine.
Since we are on the subject of turkey, I would like to say, I hate turkey. I would rather have lunch with George W. Bush at the Eiffel tower than eat turkey. Call me a rebel, but I find it a rather gamey tasting creature. I also dislike potatoes and the various casseroles (its called casseroles you Minnesotan freaks, what the fuck is a hot dish? Seriously, casserole) But I do enjoy stove top stuffing and the pumpkin pie. So while the rest of you meat vessels spend hours and hours trying to make a freakish bird that you will no doubt ruin in the process, I will spend 20 minutes making a delicious pizza that will not be ruined, which I will follow up with a desert of ice cream and gummy bears.
Tune in next week for “Death of a Salesman” will I try to sell you something or will I try to recreate a famous production? You be the judge.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Fearfully aware
Ladies and gentleman, today I’m going to talk about something that people rarely hear me talk about. Things that scare the absolute bejesus out of me. Now, before you start crying at the knowledge that I am infact afraid of something’s in life, be assure that I have good reason to be afraid of these things. Also, I will explain why you should be afraid of them as well.
Koalas, Owls, Elmo, Raccoons, Manatees, and Mayo. These are the six things that inflict terror into me. Now don’t get me wrong, I will walk up to any of these, with the exception of mayo, and punch them right in their fury or no fury faces (manatees are obviously hairless since they are aquatic.) I am after all a champion of freedom and will defend most people (not the French) against any foe. But I feel that you my loyal (or forced) readers need to know what it is that I would combat if I had to, despite my fears
First the koala. Now before you say “Awww but they are so cute!” That kind of reaction is why you will be ripped limb from limb if you aren’t careful. Most people simply assume that the koala is a docile creature and eats only eucalyptus leaves. This is a myth. The koala is actually a voracious predator that feeds on two things. Eucalyptus and man-flesh. It’s cute cuddly appearance is how it hunts. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You bring it in close to hug it and BAM! You’ve just had your jugular ripped out by it. Also, they have two thumbs. I’ll explain what it means for an animal to have thumbs when I discuss the dangers of raccoons. Just know, two thumbs means doubly dangerous for all people in this world.
Another tree dwelling animal that is often portrayed as a good companion (thanks mostly to those abominable books and movies known as the Harry Potter series) is the owl. Those books, as well as the Winnie the Pooh series and countless other cartoons that portray owls as wise and friendly critters, ignore the fact that owls are made up of only two things. Feathers and pure uncontrolled rage. No other animal in the world is made up of such malice. I saw a documentary about it, and by documentary, I mean a stand up comedian who was from Oregon. I have a friend who lived in Oregon and can verify that they are indeed horrible creatures of anger. Personally, I’d keep my guard up around any animal that had such demonic eyes, razor sharp talons, and a head that can turn all the way around. There’s no place you can go to avoid its demonic gaze.
On the subject of children’s entertainment that has mislead the world into thinking something is alright, its time to shine the light on the true world of sesame street. Elmo is not some innocent, adorable little four year old thing. Elmo is the fucking Anti-Christ. There is no easy way to put it. He is the ender of worlds. But I would be too if I could only survive by having someone’s hand up my ass. So I cant fault him for being what he is, its his nature. But seriously, he’s a scary bastard.
As I mentioned in my explanation of why I fear and distrust koalas, animals with thumbs are incredibly dangerous and should never be underestimated. The thumb is what separates us from most animals in the simple fact that it allows us to make a fist and grab things. Fists give the ability to punch, grabbing gives the power to hold a gun or a knife. Therefore the Raccoon is a formidable foe indeed. The fact that they love to gorge themselves on fermented berries just makes it that more irrational of a beast to deal with. Do you want to have a run in with a drunken raccoon that may or may not punch you and then use a prison shank on you? I think not. And they don’t wash their food in water. If you watch the motion of their hands, they are actually scheming. Each day I prepare myself for the impending raccoon war. Will you be prepared?
Now, I know a lot of people go around saying “Save the manatee!” or “It’s a gentle sea cow.” Gentle sea cow my ass. You do not want to punch one in its manatee face. They go from gentle to death harbingers in a heartbeat. Those gentle faces hide rows and rows of razor sharp teeth. They also have the ability to control sting rays. Steve Irwin once crossed a sea cow. Years later it had its vengeance, and we know how that turned out. They however are rather dumb. I say any animal that attempts to eat a propeller blade, deserves to be made extinct. The hell with endangered species.
Finally we come to the only real thing I fear in a real sense. Mayo. Why do I fear it? It’s like kryptonite to me. it’s the one thing that can kill me, but only if used correctly, and I’m not going to divulge that little bit of info. All I know is that I’m not gonna take any risks with it. Cause if I’m dead…I seriously doubt I’ll be able to enjoy all the gummy bears I acquire by not supporting third world children.
There you have it people of a nefarious nature, the select few things that I in fact fear. I pray you spread that information so that countless lives will be saved. If we are prepared, the raccoons will not be able to overcome us. Freedom will be ours.
Koalas, Owls, Elmo, Raccoons, Manatees, and Mayo. These are the six things that inflict terror into me. Now don’t get me wrong, I will walk up to any of these, with the exception of mayo, and punch them right in their fury or no fury faces (manatees are obviously hairless since they are aquatic.) I am after all a champion of freedom and will defend most people (not the French) against any foe. But I feel that you my loyal (or forced) readers need to know what it is that I would combat if I had to, despite my fears
First the koala. Now before you say “Awww but they are so cute!” That kind of reaction is why you will be ripped limb from limb if you aren’t careful. Most people simply assume that the koala is a docile creature and eats only eucalyptus leaves. This is a myth. The koala is actually a voracious predator that feeds on two things. Eucalyptus and man-flesh. It’s cute cuddly appearance is how it hunts. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You bring it in close to hug it and BAM! You’ve just had your jugular ripped out by it. Also, they have two thumbs. I’ll explain what it means for an animal to have thumbs when I discuss the dangers of raccoons. Just know, two thumbs means doubly dangerous for all people in this world.
Another tree dwelling animal that is often portrayed as a good companion (thanks mostly to those abominable books and movies known as the Harry Potter series) is the owl. Those books, as well as the Winnie the Pooh series and countless other cartoons that portray owls as wise and friendly critters, ignore the fact that owls are made up of only two things. Feathers and pure uncontrolled rage. No other animal in the world is made up of such malice. I saw a documentary about it, and by documentary, I mean a stand up comedian who was from Oregon. I have a friend who lived in Oregon and can verify that they are indeed horrible creatures of anger. Personally, I’d keep my guard up around any animal that had such demonic eyes, razor sharp talons, and a head that can turn all the way around. There’s no place you can go to avoid its demonic gaze.
On the subject of children’s entertainment that has mislead the world into thinking something is alright, its time to shine the light on the true world of sesame street. Elmo is not some innocent, adorable little four year old thing. Elmo is the fucking Anti-Christ. There is no easy way to put it. He is the ender of worlds. But I would be too if I could only survive by having someone’s hand up my ass. So I cant fault him for being what he is, its his nature. But seriously, he’s a scary bastard.
As I mentioned in my explanation of why I fear and distrust koalas, animals with thumbs are incredibly dangerous and should never be underestimated. The thumb is what separates us from most animals in the simple fact that it allows us to make a fist and grab things. Fists give the ability to punch, grabbing gives the power to hold a gun or a knife. Therefore the Raccoon is a formidable foe indeed. The fact that they love to gorge themselves on fermented berries just makes it that more irrational of a beast to deal with. Do you want to have a run in with a drunken raccoon that may or may not punch you and then use a prison shank on you? I think not. And they don’t wash their food in water. If you watch the motion of their hands, they are actually scheming. Each day I prepare myself for the impending raccoon war. Will you be prepared?
Now, I know a lot of people go around saying “Save the manatee!” or “It’s a gentle sea cow.” Gentle sea cow my ass. You do not want to punch one in its manatee face. They go from gentle to death harbingers in a heartbeat. Those gentle faces hide rows and rows of razor sharp teeth. They also have the ability to control sting rays. Steve Irwin once crossed a sea cow. Years later it had its vengeance, and we know how that turned out. They however are rather dumb. I say any animal that attempts to eat a propeller blade, deserves to be made extinct. The hell with endangered species.
Finally we come to the only real thing I fear in a real sense. Mayo. Why do I fear it? It’s like kryptonite to me. it’s the one thing that can kill me, but only if used correctly, and I’m not going to divulge that little bit of info. All I know is that I’m not gonna take any risks with it. Cause if I’m dead…I seriously doubt I’ll be able to enjoy all the gummy bears I acquire by not supporting third world children.
There you have it people of a nefarious nature, the select few things that I in fact fear. I pray you spread that information so that countless lives will be saved. If we are prepared, the raccoons will not be able to overcome us. Freedom will be ours.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
For pennies a day, I expect more
Ladies and gentlemen, and people whose gender I can't really figure out, I've been called a lot of things in my day. I've been given the title True Face of the Internet, a Ninja, son of a bitch, dream weaver, and batshit insane guy who may or may not worship cougars. But one thing I've never been called, is someone who doesn't take pride in his investments, especially if money is involved. Personally I find investments, and money, important to me. Investments show I've invested in something, and money lets me buy shit that fall into two categories. Things I need, and things I don't need but feel I have to purchase it anyhow. Ironically investments usually fall into the later category.
Now what investment involving my money could possibly be worth my crazed rantings? Adopting a third world countries child for pennies a day that is advertised on tv. Now, before you say to yourself "Sweet Jesus on a unicycle wearing a top hat made of the finest velvet woven by shaved monkeys the thought of you caring for a child makes me want to become french!" (you people should know my feelings of the french, and if you don't, I hate them) I would like to point out that I would be an outstanding parent. Granted I'd never teach them such pointless things like "shake your wiggles out before bed" or "share your toys" and "don't mock the pirate child, its a pirate, it has no soul anyhow." I'd teach my child, my ward (I'm like Batman really, only my parents are alive, and I'm not rich) if you will, such important things like, how to make a prison shank, how to start fires using dawn dish soap, and how to fight bears while wearing a stylish puma costume.
However I can not support these alleged poor, starving, uneducated children for pennies a day based on what I get out of it. According to the crazy bearded white guy, who I'm convinced is really a mountain goat in disguise, that in exchange for my money which will let these children eat and get learned, I'll get periodic pictures of the little critters. Me being as involved with my invetments as I am, find that an unreasonable trade off. For my well earned (or well stolen) money, I demand a few more things. Such as:
Naming rights
Report cards
Immunization records
Birthday and father's day presents
Macaroni pictures for christmas
A babboon (assuming I give my money to a child in Africa, babboons live there ya know)
and all legal rights any parent would have untill the little rascal turns 18
So as you can see, I'm not a crazy person, I'm a devoted parent/dictator who only wants the best for Magnus (doesn't matter what gender the kid is, I've chosen Magnus.) So untill I can be guaranteed certain rights, I'm using those pennies to buy gummy bears, cause I love gummy bears.
And I'm out.
Now what investment involving my money could possibly be worth my crazed rantings? Adopting a third world countries child for pennies a day that is advertised on tv. Now, before you say to yourself "Sweet Jesus on a unicycle wearing a top hat made of the finest velvet woven by shaved monkeys the thought of you caring for a child makes me want to become french!" (you people should know my feelings of the french, and if you don't, I hate them) I would like to point out that I would be an outstanding parent. Granted I'd never teach them such pointless things like "shake your wiggles out before bed" or "share your toys" and "don't mock the pirate child, its a pirate, it has no soul anyhow." I'd teach my child, my ward (I'm like Batman really, only my parents are alive, and I'm not rich) if you will, such important things like, how to make a prison shank, how to start fires using dawn dish soap, and how to fight bears while wearing a stylish puma costume.
However I can not support these alleged poor, starving, uneducated children for pennies a day based on what I get out of it. According to the crazy bearded white guy, who I'm convinced is really a mountain goat in disguise, that in exchange for my money which will let these children eat and get learned, I'll get periodic pictures of the little critters. Me being as involved with my invetments as I am, find that an unreasonable trade off. For my well earned (or well stolen) money, I demand a few more things. Such as:
Naming rights
Report cards
Immunization records
Birthday and father's day presents
Macaroni pictures for christmas
A babboon (assuming I give my money to a child in Africa, babboons live there ya know)
and all legal rights any parent would have untill the little rascal turns 18
So as you can see, I'm not a crazy person, I'm a devoted parent/dictator who only wants the best for Magnus (doesn't matter what gender the kid is, I've chosen Magnus.) So untill I can be guaranteed certain rights, I'm using those pennies to buy gummy bears, cause I love gummy bears.
And I'm out.
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