Correctional Adventure

Well kids, it has been a while since my last post. Now before you get
indignant and ponder forming a mob to hunt me down, or at the very
least chase me to a windmill by exploiting my general dislike of fire
and pitchforks (just like Frankenstein’s monster). Let me enlighten
you simpletons of the circumstances that caused my absence.

As you fondly remember (you people better be fond of my work) I had a
few “fiascos” during my “holiday” “shopping” “experience”. (I like
using quotes, they make me feel pretty) Namely ones involving assault
and battery toward minimum wage teenage work drones. Now while I did
flee all 5 scenes quite quickly, (yes, 5) I apparently left an
OVERWHELMING amount of evidence as to my identity and whereabouts,
primarily a business card that had my name, picture, address, phone
number, link to this very website, and a list of my favorite movies.
(Cat from Outerspace, Disney classic) My admitting to the deeds on
the website didn’t really help. Now while I’m generally very cunning
at evading the police, even when they are attempting to handcuff me,
you can imagine my shock when Gary Sinese himself showed up with a
SWAT team to arrest me. (He is the man, suck it William Peterson)

Having dealt with Ol’ Johnny Law before, processing me took quite a
while and ending up having the FBI and NSA show up to “discuss” things
with me. After surrendering a few bits of information and agreeing to
be a part of something called “Manchurian Project Alpha”, I was only
required to spend a few months at the county jail.

Having gone to the family friendly school known as Field Kindley High
in Kansas, county jail was an amazingly tame place. I taunt a few
first timers how to make a prison shiv out of a carrot, gave a few
prison tats, and found (and subsequently lost) Jesus. (A cellmate
smuggled in a Jesus action figure) But alas the time flew by and it
was time for me to be released and to buy a few copies of Catcher in
the Rye.

Life has pretty much gotten back to normal…aside from having been “let
go” from Target due to 6 months of not showing up to work. I’m also
now required by federal mandate to wear a tracking harness.
(apparently the standard ankleband wasn’t enough, I got GPS flak
jacket) My house was burnt to the ground, methinks it was by a
teenage cashier I met several months back (apparently she wants
another scissor kick to her face). So for now I’m living with my
girlfriend on a houseboat that we got from a good friend I met in jail
who I will simply refer to as “Nighthawk”.

So now here I am once again writing via stolen WiFi. I know you
people have missed me and are eager to send me various amounts of
money so that I can finally purchase a sweet ass puma costume. So
start donating you kings and queens of sending me money.

P.S.
Nighthawk, the time is almost upon us, the highway to the danger zone
approaches.