Fearfully aware

Ladies and gentleman, today I’m going to talk about something that people rarely hear me talk about. Things that scare the absolute bejesus out of me. Now, before you start crying at the knowledge that I am infact afraid of something’s in life, be assure that I have good reason to be afraid of these things. Also, I will explain why you should be afraid of them as well.

Koalas, Owls, Elmo, Raccoons, Manatees, and Mayo. These are the six things that inflict terror into me. Now don’t get me wrong, I will walk up to any of these, with the exception of mayo, and punch them right in their fury or no fury faces (manatees are obviously hairless since they are aquatic.) I am after all a champion of freedom and will defend most people (not the French) against any foe. But I feel that you my loyal (or forced) readers need to know what it is that I would combat if I had to, despite my fears

First the koala. Now before you say “Awww but they are so cute!” That kind of reaction is why you will be ripped limb from limb if you aren’t careful. Most people simply assume that the koala is a docile creature and eats only eucalyptus leaves. This is a myth. The koala is actually a voracious predator that feeds on two things. Eucalyptus and man-flesh. It’s cute cuddly appearance is how it hunts. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You bring it in close to hug it and BAM! You’ve just had your jugular ripped out by it. Also, they have two thumbs. I’ll explain what it means for an animal to have thumbs when I discuss the dangers of raccoons. Just know, two thumbs means doubly dangerous for all people in this world.

Another tree dwelling animal that is often portrayed as a good companion (thanks mostly to those abominable books and movies known as the Harry Potter series) is the owl. Those books, as well as the Winnie the Pooh series and countless other cartoons that portray owls as wise and friendly critters, ignore the fact that owls are made up of only two things. Feathers and pure uncontrolled rage. No other animal in the world is made up of such malice. I saw a documentary about it, and by documentary, I mean a stand up comedian who was from Oregon. I have a friend who lived in Oregon and can verify that they are indeed horrible creatures of anger. Personally, I’d keep my guard up around any animal that had such demonic eyes, razor sharp talons, and a head that can turn all the way around. There’s no place you can go to avoid its demonic gaze.

On the subject of children’s entertainment that has mislead the world into thinking something is alright, its time to shine the light on the true world of sesame street. Elmo is not some innocent, adorable little four year old thing. Elmo is the fucking Anti-Christ. There is no easy way to put it. He is the ender of worlds. But I would be too if I could only survive by having someone’s hand up my ass. So I cant fault him for being what he is, its his nature. But seriously, he’s a scary bastard.

As I mentioned in my explanation of why I fear and distrust koalas, animals with thumbs are incredibly dangerous and should never be underestimated. The thumb is what separates us from most animals in the simple fact that it allows us to make a fist and grab things. Fists give the ability to punch, grabbing gives the power to hold a gun or a knife. Therefore the Raccoon is a formidable foe indeed. The fact that they love to gorge themselves on fermented berries just makes it that more irrational of a beast to deal with. Do you want to have a run in with a drunken raccoon that may or may not punch you and then use a prison shank on you? I think not. And they don’t wash their food in water. If you watch the motion of their hands, they are actually scheming. Each day I prepare myself for the impending raccoon war. Will you be prepared?

Now, I know a lot of people go around saying “Save the manatee!” or “It’s a gentle sea cow.” Gentle sea cow my ass. You do not want to punch one in its manatee face. They go from gentle to death harbingers in a heartbeat. Those gentle faces hide rows and rows of razor sharp teeth. They also have the ability to control sting rays. Steve Irwin once crossed a sea cow. Years later it had its vengeance, and we know how that turned out. They however are rather dumb. I say any animal that attempts to eat a propeller blade, deserves to be made extinct. The hell with endangered species.

Finally we come to the only real thing I fear in a real sense. Mayo. Why do I fear it? It’s like kryptonite to me. it’s the one thing that can kill me, but only if used correctly, and I’m not going to divulge that little bit of info. All I know is that I’m not gonna take any risks with it. Cause if I’m dead…I seriously doubt I’ll be able to enjoy all the gummy bears I acquire by not supporting third world children.

There you have it people of a nefarious nature, the select few things that I in fact fear. I pray you spread that information so that countless lives will be saved. If we are prepared, the raccoons will not be able to overcome us. Freedom will be ours.