For pennies a day, I expect more

Ladies and gentlemen, and people whose gender I can't really figure out, I've been called a lot of things in my day. I've been given the title True Face of the Internet, a Ninja, son of a bitch, dream weaver, and batshit insane guy who may or may not worship cougars. But one thing I've never been called, is someone who doesn't take pride in his investments, especially if money is involved. Personally I find investments, and money, important to me. Investments show I've invested in something, and money lets me buy shit that fall into two categories. Things I need, and things I don't need but feel I have to purchase it anyhow. Ironically investments usually fall into the later category.

Now what investment involving my money could possibly be worth my crazed rantings? Adopting a third world countries child for pennies a day that is advertised on tv. Now, before you say to yourself "Sweet Jesus on a unicycle wearing a top hat made of the finest velvet woven by shaved monkeys the thought of you caring for a child makes me want to become french!" (you people should know my feelings of the french, and if you don't, I hate them) I would like to point out that I would be an outstanding parent. Granted I'd never teach them such pointless things like "shake your wiggles out before bed" or "share your toys" and "don't mock the pirate child, its a pirate, it has no soul anyhow." I'd teach my child, my ward (I'm like Batman really, only my parents are alive, and I'm not rich) if you will, such important things like, how to make a prison shank, how to start fires using dawn dish soap, and how to fight bears while wearing a stylish puma costume.

However I can not support these alleged poor, starving, uneducated children for pennies a day based on what I get out of it. According to the crazy bearded white guy, who I'm convinced is really a mountain goat in disguise, that in exchange for my money which will let these children eat and get learned, I'll get periodic pictures of the little critters. Me being as involved with my invetments as I am, find that an unreasonable trade off. For my well earned (or well stolen) money, I demand a few more things. Such as:

Naming rights
Report cards
Immunization records
Birthday and father's day presents
Macaroni pictures for christmas
A babboon (assuming I give my money to a child in Africa, babboons live there ya know)
and all legal rights any parent would have untill the little rascal turns 18

So as you can see, I'm not a crazy person, I'm a devoted parent/dictator who only wants the best for Magnus (doesn't matter what gender the kid is, I've chosen Magnus.) So untill I can be guaranteed certain rights, I'm using those pennies to buy gummy bears, cause I love gummy bears.

And I'm out.